Mr. Confusing Godly Man

So yesterday I get a message from this man who's name is "Spirit Wisdom" on the dating site.  And He writes the most confusing things I have ever read . . . Does he think he makes sense??  Or is he just a wack-a-doo?

His first 2 messages were normal and then I think he started drinking or smoking or something, because then it was all kinds of jibberish.

I'm grt. going to a weding this afternoon.........Want to Merry Me........Whats yr. name?
wrk. on a Sat.........? every day is grt. when "JESUS" lives in YOU..! if YOU know HIM, that makes YOU my Sister already..then WE become FRNDs..HIS Will Be Done. Amen.?
Free Spirit Wisdom...JOE,

it's a spirit moment mting you on here +Florist, and Licensed  to perform weddings...WoW !..that won't even share HER NAME,,,,,,,,,aren't YOY proud of what GOD, made in YOU.......I'm a TRUE Believer,"JESUS" is LORD TO THE GLORY OF GOD, THE FATHER..............! Be bostful IN HIM, not IN YOU......I'll pray for a relization BY THE SPIRIT...............IN YOU.?????? HE DRAWES US OUT...> NOT US.!?..ME>>JOE, + proud pf iT..Amen...........!

I copied and pasted so you have all the words just like he wrote them . . . I have no idea what to even reply to him, or to add to this to make it sound funny . . . I guess his messages are the funniest part of this . . .

Oh! What fresh hell is this!!!

Oh OK Deep breath RED! 

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I have a friend!!!!  My neighbor lady, is a hoot!  I love her so much.  She is silly and has this sweet southern drawl.  She has a yorkie also, who has a crush on Romeo . . . And she likes to drink wine with me!  
WOO HOO!! 
What a fun, fun fun thing!!! 

Last night she called up and asked what I was doing . . . Humm . . . what should I say I was doing?
Splitting the atom? 
Finding cure for cancer? 
Creating world please? 
Communing with the Gods? 
Painting a masterpiece?
Nope~ none of those things.  What I was doing was laying on my sofa watching tv . . . and not just any tv, but STUPID tv.  I was watching Beauty and the Beast from the 80's  (Everything about it was bad, but never-the-less I was glued to the tv watching it.)

So she came over, and we did our toe nails together.  It was so much fun.  She used my colors and I used hers . . . oh how much fun to have a friend!!!  Right next door!

Well, we were painting (our toes) and drinking our wine . . .  and laughing and talking. 

And then, I don't know what happened . . . suddenly we are on the computer.  And she is setting me up a TAGGED account . . . 

And I hear your little voices saying, "What is Tagged?"

Well my darlings, Tagged is ANOTHER dating site!

WHY??  Why did we do this?  Well, I don't think it was really MY fault . . .  My friend . . . bless her sweet heart, (I can hear her giggling) thought it would be FUN!!!  And because, apparently I haven't had enough fun with the other one!!!

And, this one is even more interesting, because apparently if you live in another country you have a mad desire to message me.

I have messages from ~Tebessa, Algeria~ Tripoli, Libya~  italia, Italy ~Karachi, Pakistan~  Tehran, Iran ~ Kotā, NCR, Nainital, India (Whose message to me was~  "you have a lovely smile and such alluring bust" Great!  Just what I need another man obsessed with my boobs!  I think I might have to start a fan club! )~Highgate, Jamaica.  Those are just the ones from out of the country . . .  Not to mention all the ones both in and out of the state of Colorado. 

As of right now, I have 102 messages on this one . . . 

I have been proposed to already this morning twice . . .  I think probably for a "Greencard" . . . and I have had several men ask me if I am looking for a relationship . . .  WOW!!

So this, along with the other one, makes me think there are NO OTHER SINGLE WOMEN ALIVE ANY MORE, ANY WHERE!!

Johnny Cash

Here is another old story for you. 

Just because this should be blogged about . . .

Remember after you read it you can shake your head like an etch-a-sketch and it will clean the memory from your brain.  (Aren't you glad I told you that?  Because I'm sure this is one that you will want to shake right out of your head!!!)

Meet Johnny Cash~  Not the real one.

I had been talking with this fella for a while . . .  (As I always do before I go out with someone.)  And he seemed nice enough, not really my "Type" if you figure I have a type . . . (Which I don't really think I do, I date anyone who seems nice . . .  Who makes me laugh . . . who can carry on an intelligent conversation . . ..  And apparently from my track record, who is BAT SHIT CRAZY!!!!

So Johnny Cash and I meet at this restaurant on the other side of town, he was traveling quite a bit to meet me so I go meet him in Denver over by my sweet Auntie's house.  Which is within my comfort zone . . .  other wise I would have made him come all the way to me in my town.

He tells me this Mexican place has the best margaritas and we should go there.

That's fine.  I love a good margarita.   (But he was wrong, it wasn't "The best", the restaurant my friend 2.0 owns has THE BEST margaritas)

So we arrange a time, and I show up, and here is this guy, with tattoos of woman (you know like the pin up girl kind)  all over his arms . . . and his hair is "Dip dyed" black, and he is wearing all black  . . . and he looks like his picture was from his early twenties not his 40's . . . and I'm thinking  . . . hummm.  Well, maybe he can sing to me, since he looks like Johnny Cash.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1BJfDvSITY

We have a drink and some interesting conversations . . . but no big spark for either of us.   I think like a lot of men they look at my pictures and expect a bad girl . . . but like I've said before, I'm like Jessica Rabbit, "I'm not bad I'm just drawn this way."

And for me, there was no "turn on" with him . . . I have to say the "dip dyed" black hair was totally off putting to me . . . 

I hugged him goodbye, because we had had a pleasant lunch . . . just no dating sparks.

So I never expected to hear from him again.

No big loss to me . . . 

Men are a dime a dozen . . .

A few days pass, I'm  surprised to get a ping from him that he wants to instant message, and he asks me if I "CAM"  (Kind of like Skype, but old school.)  I say no.  But I get a ping that he is sending a video chat, and that I can just respond via typing. 

Ok.

So all of a sudden I have PICTURE . . . and here is this man NAKED from the waist down . . . (Actually I can't even see his face in the picture.)

And he starts touching himself.

This is like a car accident, I can't look away . . . My eyes!!  Where is the BLEACH!?!?!?  Oh no . . . Turn your head RED, LOOK AWAY!  But I can't . . .  I just can't look away . . . it's like I'm being sucked in to the vortex of hell!  I'm going to have this image burned in to the back of my skull!!  Look away RED!!!  Try!!  But I can't . . .  

If, and I do mean if, I wanted to see something like that, (Which I don't, HE WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO SHOW IT TO ME!!!)

And he is getting more and more excited . . .

Then I guess so I can see better . . . he puts his leg up on the desk chair.  Or maybe it was a comfort thing . . . I don't know . . . because I have never witnessed anything like this on my computer . . .

And then SPLAT!!!  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

Apparently he composed himself then he comes back on the screen, and says, "What did you think?"

Me being the smart ass I am, I said, "What???  No cuddle???"  And then, I said I hope you have a steam cleaner for your chair and carpet. .. . 

What in his mind made him think after our lunch and then not talking again that it was ok to CAM me, him . . .  (Hummmmmm   the word choices . . . I'm working hard at not coming up with a set of words that will be  . . . distasteful.) "Should have been an alone, passion filled moment, not one shared on the computer." (Not really my style, no amount of flowery words can make this seem better, so in typical RED fashion, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then its probably a duck, or  in other words a man "jacking off") 

And then I blocked him . . .

Ok ladies all together now . . . shake your head as hard as you can and clear the etch-a-sketch in your head!  And you never have to think of Johnny Cash again.

But I bet after reading this, you will never look at the REAL Johnny Cash again in the same way!!! 

Mr. FILM

I have a couple of older stories I would like to tell you . . .  Just because I wanted you to know that men are just nuts.  And they fit in to all the other stories I have already told you about.

This was maybe 8 years ago. 

So enter stage left . . . Mr. Film. 

I was up on  Match.com, which you have to pay to have these stupid men message you . . . At least I'm getting entertained for free right now. 

I had been talking to this guy for a while . . .  Off and on . . . and finally we decided to meet up.  This guy thinks he is VERY pretty.  He was alright looking, but what he THOUGHT he looked like was different than what he actually did look like. 

We make plans to go to CB and Potts.  We both arrive, and he has them seat us in the bar.  (As you already know, because of Fitness Freak~ I don't like to sit in the bar.)  Sigh.  In my little red head I am thinking "How do you get to know someone when you can't even hear yourselves talk?"  Strike 1.

The waitress comes over and I order a white wine. 

Mr. Film says, "I don't like white wine.  Red is so much better."
I say, "Red wine gives me a headache, I can't drink it." 
He says, "Well, Red wine is still better than white wine."
WHAT THE HECK!?!?   Why is this guy fighting with me about what "I" am drinking.
I say, "Well then you should order yourself a red wine."
He says, "No, I'm going to drink a beer." 

So in my head again I'm thinking if he is so passionate about RED wine, why isn't he drinking it.  Strike 2.  I still have never figured out why he wanted to tell me what "I" should/could drink . . .  If he didn't like white wine, then he didn't have to drink it.  It wasn't like I was forcing him to drink white wine, it was MY drink!

At this point, I'm thinking this date has really gone south and we haven't even been here 10 minutes.  UGH!  So I'm searching my head to come up with some way to salvage this date . . . 

I ask him, "So tell me some of the things you like to do."

He says, "I like films."  My little head is so happy, I'm a huge movie buff!  Finally something we can talk about.

I say, "Great, I love movies.  What's your favorite?"

He corrects me, "I said FILMS, not movies.  I like FILMS."  UGH!  What is wrong with this man???  If you know me at all . . . you will probably know that I HATE to be corrected.  Expecially condosended to . . .  UGH!!!

So I ask him, "What do  you consider a FILM over a movie (Because apparently a film is so much higher class, than me down here in the gutter can't grasp the difference)?" 

In a "know-it-all" kind of way, he says, "A film is like Borat, or Kill Bill, movies are those other things."  Well those "movies" he just said, were stupid . . . I don't like those at all.  (No offense meant to anyone who liked those "movies", it's just a personal preference of mine.)

So I bend down grab my purse off the floor and get my wallet out.  Put $10 on the table and stand up and smile at Mr. Film and say, "I don't have time for this, apparently we have nothing in common, and I would rather be home in my bed than out with you."

He looks at me, like a deer caught in the head lights, and says, "Oh my place or yours . . ." 

WHAT?!?!?!?

Apparently he didn't hear the other words, he just heard "in bed."  And got excited.

I shake my head . . .  And smile at him, you know one of those smiles you give to small children who are confused.  When you have to use little words, and say things over and over again.  "This isn't working for me.  I'm going home.  Have a good night."

He stuttered something . . .

I turned around and got in my car.

And that dear readers is the story of Mr. Film . . .

Which further proves that no matter what their age, men are still kind of slow.

Total date time~  15 minutes.  Took me longer to drive there, than I was actually there for the date.  Sigh. 

Mr. I want a wife but have no idea how to go about getting one AKA, Mr. Penis . . AKA Maybe I'm a Snake charmer

Well . . . 
I guess I don't even know what to say . . . 

Maybe I should say something like "The names of the innocent have been changed for their protection"  . . . but Nah . . . that just wouldn't be my style. 

Or Maybe I should say~  MY EYES!!  MY EYES!!  I need bleach to wash out my eyes. 

Oh but I'm getting a head of myself. . . .  Slow down Red and Back track. 

Here's the story of a lovely lady who was bring up three very lovely boys . . . (you know you want to sing the Brady bunch song with me. . . . )   But that is neither here nor there . . . just a little randomness thrown in for fun! 

I was at the wedding rehearsal . . . and it was at this restaurant . . .  (Rehearsal went fine . . . on to the food and drinks.)

I wasn't feeling extreemly sexy or beautiful or anything, but apparently I had my mojo going all the same.  There was a band at the place where we were going to have the dinner, and I had a glass of wine and sat down to listen, I love live music. 

I don't really know the people getting married.  So I didn't really need to socialize, and I didn't really want to say, "Hey, I just came for the free food . . . oh and to marry the couple." 

So I'm sitting and listening to the music, singer was great!  And he looks over at me and sings, "Oh my, you are a hot mama."  Ok . . .  Cool.  I like that.  Made me feel good.  Nothing melts this girlies heart more than getting sung to . . . 

At the set break, here he comes toward me.  He kind of says hello to a couple of people along his way.  But I KNEW he was coming to talk to me.  I almost said that to him.  But I didn't want him to think that I knew what was running through his little man mind.  So in my best "Snake charming" ways I just wait . . . I don't have to wait long . . .  And he is sitting down beside me.

He is smiling and talking and says his name is Carl . . .  Nice to meet you Carl.  He gives me his number and eagerly says, "I hope to see you again." 

Hummmm . . . we will see.  So far I like him better than anyone else I've talked to.  And maybe he could just sing me the menu or something, and I would be happy.

So I get home from the dinner and go check the dating site.  There is a man who has messaged me and his name is "I'm looking for a wife"  Look at his picture.

He seems nice enough.  He had nice words.  His message to me was~ "I bet you are a total blast to be around."

I respond I would like to hope I am.

Nothing crazy . . . he looks like a nice guy.  Seems pretty decent . . .  Professional man.  Right age.  Good words.

I don't know that I want to be anyones "WIFE" but I guess its too early to determine that.

So a couple more messages and I'm off to bed.  Don't want to have circles under my eyes in the wedding pictures . . .  The marriage may not last forever, but Pictures do! 

Here is something to remember ladies . . .. PICTURES REALLY DO LAST FOREVER.

So I get on line this morning and I have a couple more messages from Mr. I want a wife.   and something he said, had me going back to his profile to check something out.  He said he was going to the beach.  Last night he was in Colorado, (I know that, because why on earth would I message with someone out of state . . . I'm not moving anywhere.)  But we are a "land locked" state, we don't really have beaches.

So  . . . I open up his profile again (I did it last night) and find this . . .

Enter, the next phase of "Snake Charming", but I didn't really need to see this snake!

And no, the parts weren't fuzzy . . . I fuzzied them out, so you all didn't need bleach for your eyes too!!!!

Uh!?!?!? 

Is this how he is going to about finding a "WIFE"???

Super powers at work again . . . .

Delete

Delete

Delete

And if you are going to show me your snake,  it better not look like a worm.

Mr. Holistic aka Fitness Freak

So yesterday I thought I was going to go out with this one baldy, and I got a message from him saying maybe later in the afternoon, I told him I was tied up with wedding stuff till about 2, and that if he called and I didn't answer to leave me a message and I would call him back. 

Well I didn't hear from him and was kind of relieved.  This way I can go take a bath, put my feet up, (Rewrite my wedding ceremony~ Again)  and just do the things I really like . . .  NOTHING!   

Its always the married girls who wax poetic about dating, thinking, "oh you will have so  much fun."  Let me put it to you straight girlies . . . there is NOTHING FUN about Dating.  Oh, I guess I should clairify . . . there is nothing fun about finding someone to date . . .  Once you have found some one that you like well enough to go out with a second or third time, or more, then it's fun.  But the randomness of  trying to find someone you would like to have more than an hour date with, is hard.

Enter . . . Mr. Holistic aka Fitness freak.

This is Mr.  Fitness freak . . .  The picture doesn't do his arms and chest justice . . . I would have liked to have touched him and felt those muscles . . . but don't even get me started on where "the little brain" on the man would have wanted to go . . .   

So I  had just poured myself a cognac and crawled in to the bath, laid back and was reading a book.  (it's hard to really relax when your phone is pinging with messages constantly)  And the book was sad, the water a little too hot . . . so with tears in my eyes (from the book) I got out, and was drying off.

I check my messages and Mr. Fitness freak says, "How spontaneous are you?"  I reply "pretty spontaneous, why?"  He says, "Meet me at the Old Chicago", (We had already established we lived very close to one another.) 

I thought I was going to go out with the other guy, but I was tried of waiting around for him.  So I said yes to this guy. (Both are baldies, so I was right that I was going to go out with a baldy~   I love it when I'm right.  Those are just the silly games I play with my self . . .  )

So before I leave, I go to my ladies and tell them I'm off, I tell them where I am going, and who I'm going with and even give them his number.  (I guess I should tell you who "My Ladies" are~  They are a group of women I have talked to on line for the last 10+ years, we are a silly, intertwined group, who tell each other everything, ok, let me clairify that, "I" tell them everything, from the color of my undies to the fact that beans give me "Elephant gas" (You know the kind of gas that you would think an elephant would have, but it's coming out of MY butt)  They are my "go to" people . . . I love them, and trust them . . . and don't consider them "just" on line friends.  I would be happy to know them and be with them in daily life.   Maybe some day we can buy an island and we will all live happily there together.) 

So one of my sweet ladies gave me a huge giggle, since I had posted his phone number for them (for safety sake). 
She said,"Thanks for the info, now I am going to text him.  Lol"
I said, "LOL!!! What would you text him??? "Be good to our girl or a bunch of crazy scrapbook ladies will hunt your @$$ down??"" 
She said, "I think I might say, hey Quit staring at her boobs, I know they are nice, but eye level **** (his name), if that's really your name. Lol"   
I said, "Don't make me laugh so hard, I may have to go change my pants!!!" 
She said, "Then I might say. Don't make her laugh, she has bladder issues. And her purse was too small for her to. Carry another depends" 

And this dear readers is WHY my life is so intertwined with these women.  They are amazing and lovely, and I don't know what I would do with out them. 

Oh and Just for your information, I do NOT wear Depends . . .  just incase any of you were wondering. 

So I get cute again, and head that direction . . . I am sitting on a bench out side of Old Chicago, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. . . .  I peek in to the restaurant, there is no one standing in the lobby waiting on anyone, so I go back outside and wait some more.  Then it occures to me that I need to maybe check the dating site to see if he left me another message.  And lo and behold he did, he said, "I'm sitting at the bar, I have a gray shirt on."  WHAT?!?!?!  If you are meeting someone some place, don't you meet them there and walk in together?  

STRIKE 1

Sitting at the bar, in a loud tv filled pub . . . STRIKE 2

I walk in, he doesn't even bother to stand up and greet me.  STRIKE 3

I sit down and order a drink.

He doesn't even pivot to face me.  STRIKE 4

Then he starts lecturing me about fitness and eating right and how people shouldn't drink Milk, and how fitness is a mind, body, soul thing . . .  he never bothers to ask me my feelings on any of this . . . or if I already know anything about  it, he just assumes I'm empty headed because I have big boobs . . .   STRIKE 5 . . .  (I have taught classes in Reflexology, and Aromatherapy . . . I do believe that the key to happy peaceful, healthy living is a mind, body, soul thing . . . so I resent the fact that he didn't ask me if I knew anything, but just acted as though I was stupid.)

How many strikes do you get in base ball?? 

So after his lecture is done, we had finished out drink . . . and he says that his phone had gone off like 5 times in his pocket but he didn't look at it (I'm so proud, this guy can go a whole hour without looking at his phone . . . he should get a prize) . . .  I had my phone on silent (And mine had gone off also, but I wasn't rude enough to say so)  STRIKE 6 . . .

He paid . . .  I didn't even ask if I should pitch in . . . he invited me . . . it was all on him.

At this point in the date, he says to me . . .   "I have a wonderful life . . . the only thing missing is a wonderful girl." 

UH . . ..   What am I supposed to say to that?
Smile. 
Nod.
(no words)
(Why is he saying this to me?)

Then we walked out, a I hugged him goodbye, mostly just because I wanted to feel his muscles!  (I'm kind of goofy like that, I have a muscle thing . . . I like to feel them . . . I'm just tactile like that.)

And there, is the story of Mr. Holistic aka Fitness Freak aka The lecturer aka 6 STRIKES and you are OUT!

Things I won't tell . . .

I guess I should preface this post with . . . Men are totally stupid . . . 

A new guy messaged me this morning, and after only 5 messages, he says. 
"can i ask size pants? bust? you look very sweet"

My answer was ~ "Nope!  But nice try."

Ok so here is the START of a list, of things I won't tell . . .  To guys . . .

My pant size . . .  NOPE!  Not going to happen.  (If you want to buy me pants, send me the money and I will go get my own.)

Bust size.  (I know I have already told that to you in this blog . . .  But, no guy after 5 messages needs to know what my bust size is.) 

Hummmm  . . .what else . . . I'm sure, I will be adding to this list as times go on . . .  

Are men really this stupid that they think that as women we are going to just start rattling off our measurements~ because they ask . . .  NOPE! 

I guess I probably need to use my super power with this guy and DELETE DELETE DELETE!